Self-limiting beliefs in motherhood: How to spot them, challenge them, & persist through them

Let’s be honest, we’ve all experienced these thoughts before…

“I’m a bad mom”

“I’m not ________ enough”

“I don’t know what I’m doing”

“I don’t have enough  __________ anymore”

“People will judge me”

“No one gets what I’m going through”

“No one is there for me”

“I can’t handle it”

“I have to come last now”

But thinking negatively about ourselves, others, and the world often leads us to feel MORE stressed out!

New moms are predisposed to feel more stressed. Major life transition, body changes, hormonal changes, sleep deprivation, balancing the needs of others with your own, need I say more? The problem is, feeling stressed can lead to more negative thoughts, which then causes MORE stress! We can easily get stuck in this cycle of negativity. So…how can you deal with negative thoughts that create mom-guilt, keep you from doing what you want, cause issues with your spouse/loved ones, and interfere with your ability to find the joys of motherhood?!

Studies show that people who practice reducing negative thoughts and increasing positive thoughts tend to feel less stressed, less depressed, and have higher self-esteem. So, lets practice changing our mindsets, mamas!

*Be aware of the signs*

Heart beating fast, sweating, muscle tension, racing thoughts, etc.

*Notice your thinking*

“What am I thinking about myself, other(s), or the world right now?”

*Examine themes and patterns*

Have I felt stuck like this before? Where did that lead me?

*Challenge or reframe the thought into something productive or helpful*

Is it true? What are the facts?

Is it helpful? Is it productive?

Does thinking this way make me feel better?

Does thinking this way get me closer to what I want/value?

“I’m a bad mom”          à        “I’m doing my best”

“I’m not ________ enough”        à        “I don’t need to be perfect”

“I don’t know what I’m doing”           à        “I’m still learning, it’s not easy!”

“I don’t have enough  __________ anymore”      à        “If it’s important to me, I can try to figure it out”

“People will judge me”            à        “I know what’s best for our family”

“No one gets what I’m going through”           à        “I can talk to my spouse/friends/loved ones”

“No one is there for me”          à        “I have these people in my life to support me”

“I can’t handle it”        à        “I don’t have to do this alone”

“I have to come last now”       à        “Taking care of myself helps my baby too”

*Notice any change in your feelings and actions*

Jennifer Berry Wang, LMFT 98916

Holiday Note

Wishing you and yours a joyful and relaxing holiday season! As we enter into the busyness of the next couple weeks, I wanted to take a moment to share some ways to close out 2017 with an open heart and present mind.

Give:Tis the season of giving! In the midst of wrapping and opening gifts and presents, pause to cherish all the reasons YOU have to be grateful. With your children, encourage them to do the same. Look for ways to give to those in need, through a toy drive or soup kitchen. Practicing gratitude and volunteering are associated with many health benefits including: lower blood pressure, better self-esteem, less depression, less stress, greater happiness, and even a longer life!

Connect:For many of us, the holiday season allows us quality time to spend time with loved ones. Notice the ways connecting with others can help you recharge and experience a positive outlook! Set an intention for 2017 to remember this simple and powerful “tool” to combating stress. Numerous studies have proven that social connection is vital to maintaining our mental and physical health.  

Reflect:The end of the year presents an opportunity to look back on 2017. Ask yourself, what are you most proud of? What have you accomplished? What may be left unfinished? Set intentions for next year to continue personal growth. Research shows that setting a goal helps us achieve what we want and even just the process of goal setting can lead to increased happiness.

Carry on the Tradition:We have ample opportunities around the holidays to continue or create family traditions. When you think of your own childhood and think of the season, what do you remember the most? How can you pass these traditions and customs down to the next generation or co-create new rituals for your own family? Maintaining and creating family traditions can promote intergenerational connection and promote feelings of being grounded and focused.

Play:Experiencing the wonder and joy of the holiday season can be for us adults too! Take a break from “doing” and join your children by getting outside, staying active, and playing games. Spontaneity keeps us youthful, energized, and keeps our relationships lively and fun!

I feel so privileged to know each and every one of you. Happy Holidays!

Jennifer Berry Wang, LMFT

Imperfectly Perfect

Today, parents are bombarded with information regarding the “best ways to parent.” Whether it’s advice from friends and family, or simply skimming the Internet, all of the conflicting recommendations and research can feel overwhelming and flat out confusing. Living in the Bay Area in 2016, where there is a culture of striving and perfecting, we are especially prone to social pressure to “be the best” in whatever we are doing.  But what happens when you can’t be the best at the most important job of your life? Moreover, what happens when “being good enough” falls short? 

Over the past several years, I cannot tell you the number of times I have sat across the room from a loving, present parent, and listened as they express heartbreak over their seeming inability to parent their child.  Their child carries an autism diagnosis, and no amount of advice, literature, or self-help has adequately prepared them for this challenge. The pervasive nature of Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), no matter how much you love and adore your child, can cause unique challenges to a family system. What feels intuitive often backfires. Fail-safe behavioral strategies and techniques you’ve been taught seem inconsistent at best. You feel powerless to help your child. You feel far from “the best.” You don’t even feel close to “good enough.”

These parents, who are just beginning to grieve the loss of what was supposed to be their life, cannot afford to stop or even slow down. With the news of the diagnosis, they are expected to become their child’s best advocate and best treatment coordinator. From finding the right school placement to enrolling in the best treatments and therapies, their life and the life of their family, begins to revolve around this simple fact: their child has ASD. Self-care? Romance and intimacy with your partner? Those are put on hold. Long-term hopes and dreams? Those will have to wait.

The problem is, the waiting can feel like forever. The changes seem to move at a snail’s pace. As hard as you try to “live in the present and notice the littlest changes”, it may feel like you can’t. This is your child. This is your job. It is up to you to make them feel safe, feel loved, and feel happy, and it feels heartbreaking when it seems like you can’t.

This isolation and pressure can be crushing for parents, caregivers, and loved ones, especially in a society where “good enough” really isn’t good enough. So where do we go from here?

I have had the privilege of witnessing many of these parents find their new normal. Even better, I have been there as many parents find a higher acceptance of their unique family experience and find joy along the ride. As parents let go of prior expectations and openly admit their own vulnerability, they are freed to get the help they need. Parents may begin to reinvest in their own health and personal relationships. With this newfound strength and support network, they start to feel empowered to learn how to enter their child’s world. Rather than striving to “best the best” they accept that there is no one-way to perfect this job. And, when all the external pressures fade away, parents may begin to notice unexpected and hidden gifts of their own experience and of their child.

 I am often left in awe of strength and courage displayed by these parents. These mothers and fathers inspire me to let go of my own expectations and needs to be perfect and encourage me to be real, raw, and vulnerable. In this culture of perfection, the reminder that we do in fact need one another and that we are beautifully, imperfectly, perfect, gives me hope.

Written by: Jennifer Berry Wang, M.A.

Registered Marriage and Family Therapy Intern (IMF 81462)

Supervised by Dr. Valerie Sher, Ph.D. (PSY 23292)